


Drown These Demons of Mine So I Can Breathe Again

by ampersandsinink



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-28
Updated: 2012-07-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 20:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ampersandsinink/pseuds/ampersandsinink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian's worst case scenario played out in from of him when Blaine took the slushie for Kurt. He wants to make it right before he loses it all, but saying sorry isn't his thing. Sebastian-centric. Heavy drug and alcohol use.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there. I'm only planning on there to be one more part, but if Sebastian comes back then I'll probably do more with it.

* * *

It had happened. The worst case scenario had played out in front him. Sebastian thought Blaine might get in the way, but he had hoped Blaine wouldn't. He had hoped Blaine was staring to pull away from Kurt, had assumed so by how frequently they'd talked, but Blaine still pushed Kurt out of the way and took the slushie, right in the eye. The scene replayed over and over again in his mind as he drove some of the Warblers home from the parking garage. Jeff was the last one in his car.

"You should probably call Blaine later, see if he's okay," Jeff suggested as Sebastian turned down his street. Sebastian didn't respond, knowing that Blaine wasn't okay, wasn't going to be okay for a while. Sebastian finally pulled up to Jeff's house. "You know, if you need to talk to-"

"Get out,' Sebastian barked. Jeff sighed and got out of the car. As soon as the passenger side door shut he peeled out of the driveway.

* * *

When Sebastian got home he called out a hello to which he got no reply. He stripped off his blazer as he went into a kitchen. When he flipped on the kitchen lights he found a note that simply read ' _Be back in a week and a half, Mom & Dad_' attached to two hundred dollar bills. Suddenly his appetite was gone.

Leaving the light on, he walked upstairs to his room. He loosened his tie as he went straight into his bathroom. He turned the light on and bent over the sink, splashing some water on his face. When he finally dared to look at himself in the mirror he couldn't stand what he saw. He saw a villain, a monster. He saw a cold blooded beast and he couldn't stand it. He grabbed the first thing he could get his hands on from his counter and threw it at the mirror. He stood there for a second, panting, as he followed the cracks in the mirror that ran over his face. Finally, with a sigh, he turned off the light and went back into his room.

He grabbed a wooden box from his bedside table and made his way downstairs. When he got to his father's den he placed the wooden box on the desk and made his way to the small bar his father kept in the back of the room. He made himself a drink, which he down quickly. He made himself another drink, but took that one and a bottle of vodka to the desk with him. He put down the drink, took his phone out of his pocket and put it on the desk, and took off his tie before sitting down. He then opened the box, pulled out one of his pre-rolled joints and a lighter. He stopped for a second, his eyes darting between the drink and the joint. The thought popped into his head that maybe he shouldn't this time. Maybe he should go a night sober and try to work through his demons. He quickly pushed that thought to the back of his head and deposited the joint between his lips. He let himself wonder how things got so bad. How he'd gotten so bad. He thinks about his childhood. About his relationship with his parents, and his past love interested. He drowns the memories with alcohol and weed in hopes they'd die.

That night Sebastian ended up puking in the trashcan twice and falling asleep at the desk. His phone lay next to his head, one new message in his draft folder.

_**To: Blaine Anderson** _

_**I'm sorry.** _

* * *

A few days later the bitchy Latina from Blaine's new Glee Club came and visited the Warblers, telling them that Blaine was going to have surgery. Sebastian wasn't surprised, but it hit him harder than he expected it to. He dueled with the girl, but he didn't put his heart into like he should have, and even let it slip that he had messed with the slushie he hit Blaine with. On the ride home he made a call to order something, realizing half way through the call what a huge mistake he made by telling her about the rock salt. That night he drank so much he passed out in the hallway outside of his room.

* * *

The next day after Warbler practice he stopped at home for a second before going to visit Blaine. He knocked on the door a few times but got no response. He would have left if he hadn't seen Blaine's car in the driveway. Instead, he opened the door and called out a hello. Besides a groan from upstairs, which he assumed was Blaine, the house was silent. He made his way upstairs to Blaine's room, taking the time to look at all the pictures hung on the wall. Sebastian knew Blaine's family was like his, ashamed that their son was a queer and never home if they could help it. When he found Blaine's room he knocked on the door harshly, receiving another groan. He took that as a sign to come in.

"Kurt?" Blaine groaned as he rolled on to his back.

"Not quite," Sebastian replied as he shut the door quietly.

"Sebastian?" Blaine tried.

"Bingo," Sebastian confirmed, cringing at his choice of words. He was glad that Blaine was half asleep and probably didn't catch it.

"You didn't come to finish me off, did you?" Blaine asked as he flicked on the lamp on his bedside table. Sebastian didn't know what he was expecting Blaine to look like after the slushie, but Blaine in an eye patch had never crossed his mind.

"Believe it or not, no." Sebastian smirked as he stepped forward. "I see you got the flowers I sent you," he said as he nodded to the vase if lilies sitting on Blaine's dresser. Blaine kept a straight face. "Anyways, I came with a sort of…peace offering." Sebastian said as he laid a wooden box on the edge of Blaine's bed.

Blaine looked at the box for a few seconds before looking back up at Sebastian. Sebastian smiled and opened the box before pushing it up the bed more. It took Blaine a second to register what exactly the box held.

"I…I don't think I can take this." Blaine stuttered out as he shut the box. Sebastian moved to sit on the edge of the bed, pulling the box on his lap.

"Why not?"

"I'm not supposed to drink with my medication," Blaine reasoned, his hands grabbing onto the blanket resting on his lap.

"What does the doctor say about smoking weed with your medicine?" Sebastian asked as he grabbed a few joints and a book of matches out of the box. He moved to put the box on Blaine's bedside table, noticing a picture of Kurt.

"It doesn't say anything, but-"

"Come on. I bet that eye hurts something fierce, and this," he said as he picked up a joint, "will help take your mind off things." Sebastian ended his explanation with a smile. Blaine still looked skeptical. "Look, I..." Sebastian started, looking down at his lap where his fingers were twisting the ends of the joint, "That slushie wasn't meant for you, ya know? And I don't really know how to apologize, so…just take this gesture as a sort of…olive branch. From me, to you." Sebastian tried, looking Blaine in the eye and holding out the joint between them, putting on his best puppy dog eyes. Finally Blaine sighed and took the joint from him.

"Fine, but light those candles." He ordered, pointing to the few candles next to the box.

Sebastian's smiled brightly as he set to work lighting the candles, handing one to Blaine to put on the bedside table next to him. When Blaine wasn't looking Sebastian put the picture of Kurt face down. Next, Sebastian slipped off his blazer, plucked the joint from Blaine's hands, placed it between his lips, and lit it. Blaine watched Sebastian inhale, hold it, then exhale. He was entranced by the way the smoke curled in the air. Sebastian smiled at his innocence before passing it to him. As Blaine took his first few puffs Sebastian located his stereo. Sebastian turned it on quickly, attaching his phone and choosing what he thought would be the perfect music for the occasion.

The first joint went quickly. Sebastian lay against Blaine's headboard, sleeves rolled up, laughing with Blaine. As Sebastian started the second joint Blaine went into a story about his first major crush. It ended being Blaine's seventh grade English teacher. Blaine described him as tall, with glasses and slicked back hair, which is what he blamed his gel addiction on. At first Blaine just thought he liked his teacher because for once he was actually learning, but when the wet dreams started he knew that wasn't the case.

In turn Sebastian told the story of his first kiss. Sebastian was in fifth grade, and already knew he liked boys. He had a best friend that wouldn't leave his side. One day after school while they were walking to the boy's house Sebastian brought up kissing, and the idea that maybe they should try kissing each other. The other boy was skeptical at first but finally agreed. When they got to the boys room they tried kissing for a few minutes before playing video games. The next day the boy wouldn't look or talk to Sebastian. When Sebastian finally cornered him, the boy said he had told his parents about their kiss and was instructed to never hang out with Sebastian again. He immediately regretted telling the story after he finished it.

By this point he was laying down facing Blaine. Blaine had gotten a hold of his tie somewhere in the middle of Sebastian's story and was stroking it softly.

"I don't want you to hate me," Sebastian whispered.

"I don't," Blaine shook his head before turning to face Sebastian. "I just don't get it."

"Get what?"

"Why you want me," Blaine supplied.

"Are you kidding? Have you seen you?" Sebastian started softly, Blaine smiling sheepishly. "You're amazing. You're kind and passionate, your voice is amazing, and don't get me started on how beautiful you are," Sebastian clarified for him. "Although I have to say, your hair looks much better without all that gel." He smiled as he let his hand brush back a few stray curls, letting his hand brush through Blaine's hair until he was cupping Blaine's neck. He looked into Blaine's eyes, unable to read it. He felt Blaine swallow under his hand. Sebastian bent his head towards Blaine's until their foreheads were touching. "I know I'm a bad person, but please just give me a chance." He whispered.

He felt Blaine swallow again before leaning in and kissed him. Sebastian brought his hand to cup Blaine's jaw as he scooted closer. Blaine's hand went from Sebastian's tie to Sebastian's hips as he tilted his head to get a better angle. Blaine soon let his tongue lick over Sebastian's bottom lip, pulling Sebastian closer. Sebastian opened his mouth quickly, letting his tongue learn the inside of Blaine's mouth. Sebastian knew he was good with his mouth, and he was more than excited to show Blaine his unique talents. He finally sucked Blaine's bottom lip into his mouth, biting it lightly before letting it go and ending the kiss.

Sebastian opened his eyes to see Blaine still had his closed. He ran his thumb over Blaine's cheekbone as he felt Blaine's hot puffs of breath on his lips. When Blaine finally opened his eye Sebastian couldn't breathe.

"No," Blaine breathed out quickly. "I can't," He continued to whisper as he took his hand off Sebastian's hip.

"Wha-"

"This can't happen." Blaine said a little louder as he took Sebastian's hand off his face and began to sit up. Sebastian was quick to follow. "You…you did this on purpose." Blaine starting, saying it as soon as his mind made it up. "You came here…a-and you got me high so you could-"

"No I didn't," Sebastian tried, hoping he wouldn't lose everything he had just gained. "I wasn't even the one who-"

"Get out." Blaine command, though there was no bite in his bark.

"Blaine," Sebastian started, reaching his hand out. Blaine quickly smacked it away.

"Get out of my house. Now." Blaine ordered with more authority. Sebastian stared at him for a minute before collecting his blazer and running out of the house.

* * *

On his ride home he had to pull over to puke. When he did get home, he immediately went upstairs and changed, grabbed his fake ID, and went straight to Scandals. He did seven lines of cocaine that night and let two guys whose names he didn't know fuck him in the bathroom. When he got home he passed out at the bottom of the stairs.


	2. Sebastian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beautiful beta dani_elizabethx on LJ.

The morning after Blaine's surgery Sebastian found himself in his uniform pacing the hospital's hallway outside of Blaine's room, bouquet of lilies in hand. He had looked through the small window in the door and saw Blaine lying there. He wanted to go in, but he knew he was probably the last person Blaine wanted to see. So he started walking up and down the hallway, arguing with himself about whether to go in or not. Finally he took a seat outside of the room, going over what he was going to say in his head. After a half hour of coming up with nothing a nurse finally noticed him.

"Hi," the nurse greeted. Sebastian blinked out of his haze and looked up at her. "Are you here to see Blaine?"

"I…y-yeah," Sebastian stuttered as he stood up, "but I need to go." He panicked, handing the bouquet to her.

"Do you want me to tell him you were here?" She asked. Sebastian shook his head and took off down the hallway. She watched him disappear before checking to see if there was a card to go with the flowers. She couldn't find one. She went into Blaine's room to check on him, Blaine starting to stir at the sound of the door. The nurse was quick to tell him where he was and that he was safe before adding the flowers to the vase next to his bed that already held two roses. "Someone came to see you this morning," she informed him as she started checking the machines next to him.

"But I wasn't awake," Blaine mumbled. "Who was it?"

"I'm not sure. He was in the Dalton uniform though. He left right before I came in." She finished up and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Now get some rest."

"Thank you Mrs. Hudson," Blaine smiled softly. She smiled at him, telling him to call her Carole, before leaving. He sighed before turning to see a vase full of flowers that he didn't see yesterday. He saw that they're lilies and he immediately knew who came to visit him.

\---------------

Sebastian texted Blaine every day after he went to the hospital. If it was earlier in the day the texts would be polite. A simple 'what's up?' or 'how's your eye?'. If it was later in the day, and Sebastian wasn't completely sober, the texts would look more like 'I know you liked that kiss just as much as I did" and "please let me in again". No matter what the messages read he never got a reply. Blaine's silence and his parent's absence and neglect led Sebastian to Scandal's some nights, and the men's restroom in the park on other nights.

\---------------

Valentine's Day was coming up. The Warblers spent most of their practices talking about their plans for the special night. A few were talking about a party at Breadstix that someone from New Directions was throwing. A few said they were going, and joked that Sebastian probably had a three guys waiting for him so he'd be too busy to show up. Sebastian smiled and told them it was actually five guys, when in reality there was only one guy Sebastian wanted. Sebastian scheduled another bouquet of lilies to be sent to him for Valentine's.

Sebastian decided to show up at Breadstix. He got there late and sat in his car, starting to have second thoughts. New Directions were in there, which meant Blaine might be in there. Blaine might be in there with Kurt. He rolled down his window, pulled out a cigarette, and lit it. Half way through it something caught his eye. He looked over to see Blaine walking up to the door.

"Blaine," he called out before he could stop himself. Blaine stopped at the sound of his name, looking around for the source. He hurried to get out of his car, running up to catch up to Blaine.

"Sebastian? What are you doing here?" Blaine asked when Sebastian finally got to him. Sebastian stopped for a second to take in Blaine's attire. The red bowtie, the fedora, and of course a heart shaped eye patch. Sebastian never wanted to kiss him as much as he did right now.

"I heard someone was throwing a party, thought I'd stop by." Sebastian shrugged.

"Well, it's a party for couples so there's no reason why you should be here." Blaine sneered before turning and walking toward the doors.

"Are we ever gonna talk about it?" Sebastian called after him. Blaine stopped in his tracks. "You can pretend like it didn't happen, but it did. And we both know I didn't start it." Sebastian could see Blaine tense up, shaking slightly. Finally Blaine kept walking, going into Breadstix. Sebastian stood outside, watching as Blaine sang to Kurt, eventually pulling Kurt out of his seat to sing with him.

Sebastian left after the song finished, not wanting to stick around to see what else might happen. Instead Sebastian went to Scandals, which was packed. He orders drink after drink, and even though a few guys hit on him he blows them all off. He left Scandals early, not surprised to find an empty house when he got home. He ended up passing out on his couch with the television set on the Lifetime channel.

\---------------

Sebastian continued to text Blaine. He knew Blaine was never going to reply but for some reason he felt better after hitting the send button. Sometimes Sebastian would check Blaine's facebook to see if he was still alive. Blaine never replied and Sebastian never stopped trying.

\---------------

Regionals were coming up, and if Blaine wasn't going to talk to Sebastian, then he was free to terrorize New Directions as he pleased. He had met with Kurt and the loud girl that always tagged along with him, showed them the picture he was kind enough to make for them. He felt slightly bad for the girl, but if Kurt got Blaine then why shouldn't Sebastian get Regionals?

\---------------

Then one night he got home from Warbler practice to find his parents sitting in the dining room, asking him to come, sit. He cautiously took a seat, noticing there wasn't any food on the table, so this wasn't going to be one of their awkward family dinners. They tell him about someone named David who tried to commit suicide because he was bullied for being gay. For some reason the name rings a bell but he can't put a face to it. His parents ask him if he's being bullied or was contemplating something like that. He wants to say he's right on the edge, but instead he says no. His parents say they love him, and even though he doesn't believe them he says it back. They then dismiss him.

He went upstairs and logged onto facebook to see if anyone else had heard the news. It seems some of the Dalton boys had heard and were shocked, and while some of the New Direction had posted statuses about it Kurt and Blaine stayed quiet. Sebastian sent Blaine a text asking if he was okay, but got no response. After replying to some messages he closed his laptop, and started on his homework. An hour later when he was half way through his essay for history he remember exactly who David Karofsky was and exactly what he said to him.

Suddenly Sebastian felt terrible. He had gotten off pretty easy when it came to bullies. He'd only been bullied a couple times, but it wasn't anything he couldn't easily brush off. His parents did their fair share of bullying, but nothing so bad he'd wanted to die. He chose alcohol over a gun and drugs over a razor. Sebastian remembered the chubby boy on Valentine's Day that he quickly debased before moving onto his next drink. It wasn't the worst thing Sebastian had ever said, but he was part of the cause. It made him feel sick and he was determined to do something about it.

\---------------

The meeting with McKinley's resident gays hadn't gone as well as he hoped. He had told Blaine he was sorry. He can't remember the last time those words came out of his mouth, but he said them for Blaine, in front of people. Blaine quickly blew him off, disgust shining clear in his eyes. He had told them he was done with being petty and was dedicating the Warbler's performance to Karofsky and taking donations for charity. The group seemed somewhat pleased by the news, though they still looked at Sebastian like he was the scum of the earth.

\---------------

The texts from Sebastian to Blaine never stopped. It had become part of his daily routine. Go to first period, ignore the lecture, text Blaine. Go to lunch, eat half of it, text Blaine. Go home, get drunk, text Blaine. He didn't really think about it anymore, and definitely never expected anything reply, so when Blaine did finally text him back Sebastian was shocked. It was the morning of regionals and Blaine had sent a quick 'Good luck' text. Sebastian assumed it was part of a mass text but it still made him feel warm inside. He replied with a simple 'Thank you' and left his house to go to McKinley.

\---------------

Sebastian loved to perform, and even though he wasn't thrilled with their choreography, he put on his winning smile and gave it his all. Blaine's text helped his smile. Then he spotted some of the New Directions getting into the song, standing and clapping along. He knew they still didn't like him but he soaked up their support and smiled wider.

Despite his best efforts the Warblers lost. Second wasn't bad, but it wasn't first either. Sebastian smiled when he caught Blaine looking at him before they announced the winner, but as soon as that god damn vampire said that McKinley had won the smile was wiped from his face. He stood with his fellow Warbler's, accepting the second place trophy and watching as New Directions jumped around in joy. Before he knew what was happening Blaine had walked over and they were shaking hands. Then Blaine was back over with Kurt, hugging and cheering.

The ride back to Dalton was quiet and tense. They put the trophy in their choir room, patted each other on the back, and dispersed to go home. As soon as Sebastian got into his car his phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket to see his mother was calling. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before answering.

"Hello?"

"Sebastian, where are you?" His mother questioned. He clenched his eyes shut.

"I told you yesterday that I had regionals today." He answered.

"Oh, that's right. And how did that go?"

"We came in second," Sebastian sighed. He could only imagine the look that's going to be on his father's face when he hears they came in second. His father was never fond of his singing. He thought it was stupid and a waste of time, and if Sebastian was going to do an after school activity then why can't it be some kind of sport.

"What a shame," his mother replied. Sebastian could hear her eyes rolling. "Anyways, the Stevens called and invited your father and me to dinner, so we'll be home late." Sebastian knew he had probably been invited as well, but didn't say anything.

"Have fun." Sebastian said with a forced smile before hanging up on her. He leaned back against his seat, closed his eyes, and took a few deep breaths. When finally opened his eyes he saw Jeff standing outside of Nick's car, watching him. He blinked at him for a second before starting his own car and driving home.

When he got home he noticed another car in the driveway. At first he wondered if his parents hadn't left yet, but then he realized whose car it was. He walked up to his house to find Blaine Anderson in a suit on his front porch.

"Is it my birthday or something?" Sebastian said before he can stop himself. Blaine let out a small laugh and it wasn't until then that Sebastian didn't know how much he missed Blaine's smile.

"No, actually, I thought I should return this." Blaine smiled while holding up Sebastian's wooden box. "It actually helped a lot with my pain." Sebastian stepped closer to Blaine and took his box back. "I think Kurt was starting to get suspicious." Blaine said, quieter this time.

"As he should be." Sebastian said in his own quiet tone. "Where is that pesky boyfriend of yours?"

"We have a couple hours before the wedding so he's visiting Dave." Blaine explained.

"That would explain the suit," Sebastian almost smiled as he nodded to Blaine's outfit. He looked down at the box for a second. "Since you've got some time, do you want to come inside and smoke with me?"

"I…yeah, I do." Blaine agreed.

They ended up in his father's den. Blaine looked at all the books, every once in a while pulling one off the shelf and flipping through it, while Sebastian shed his jacked and sat at the desk so he could roll a few joints. When he was done he called Blaine over. Blaine took off his jacket and set it on the back of the chair before taking a seat on the desk. Sebastian started it, taking a few puffs before passing it to Blaine. They finished the joint in silence. Sebastian had the second join in one hand and the matchbook in the other, keeping his eyes on the desk.

"I think…I think I'm ready to talk about it." Blaine finally said, slightly louder than a whisper, as he smoothed down his slacks.

"So talk about it." Sebastian nodded. Without looking up at Blaine, he put the joint and the matchbook down on the desk.

"I…kissed you," Blaine started. "I kissed you and I have a boyfriend. I kissed you and I liked it. I-I kissed you and I want kiss you again…but I can't."

"Because you have a boyfriend" Sebastian stated rather than asked.

"Because he loves me." He said quietly as he curled into himself slightly.

"Do you love him?" Sebastian asked quietly, pushing his chair backwards to get a good look at Blaine.

"Yes." Blaine whispered.

"But not enough." Sebastian added for him, tilting his head a bit.

"He's done a lot for me." Blaine shook his head.

"All he did was take you away from Dalton."

"Just stop, okay?" Blaine almost yelled, standing up and start to walk away. Sebastian followed him. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"No you don't know what you're talking about," Sebastian shot back, grabbing Blaine's arm and spinning him around to look him in the eye. "You may have loved him at one time, but you don't anymore. You're just staying with because you feel obligated to. You can say you're not, but I know you are, an-" Sebastian was cut off by Blaine grabbing his face and pulling him into a kiss.

Blaine quickly broke the kiss, keeping his hand on Sebastian's face. Sebastian lowered his forehead onto Blaine's. They were both breathing hard. Sebastian grabbed Blaine's tie.

"Don't. Please…please don't." Blaine whispered, shaking his head. "I need to get to the wedding." Blaine said, starting to pull away.

"Blaine-"

"No. It's not…it's fine. I'm not mad at you or anything, I just, I need to get over there so Rachel doesn't kill me." Blaine explained before turning to go. Sebastian started to cross the room back to the desk quickly.

"Wait," Sebastian called, "don't forget your jacket." He picked up the jacket, the forgotten joint, and the matchbook. Sebastian walked up to where Blaine was standing in the doorway, handing him his jacket, before following him down the hall to the front door. "So, are you going to tell Kurt about us?" Sebastian asked with a smirk before putting the joint in between his lips.

"There is no us." Blaine smiled.

"Sure there isn't," Sebastian smiled around the joint. Sebastian stood on his porch and watched Blaine walked to his car. Sebastian took the joint out of his mouth for a second. "You know this means I won't stop trying, right?" Sebastian yelled out to Blaine.

"I wouldn't expect anything less," Blaine smiled back before getting into his car.

Sebastian put the joint back in his mouth and lit it before taking a seat on his front steps. He thought about Blaine's lips on his for a minute, and decided that maybe losing regionals wasn't that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. Not sure about that ending. I'm expecting this thing to be five chapters long. I might write more when season four starts. Anyways, thanks for reading.


End file.
